Volume Control

You know, I'm sitting there at this restaurant with my hearing family and we're sitting around a rectangle of a table. My family doesn't know sign language and I can't equally decipher what each person's lips are flapping with so in situations like these, I just go into a zone. My own thoughts consume me...

Observe the place.
Take note of the lighting.
The mood of it.
The menu.

I check out the waitress...hmm...not bad!
She's cute. I wink at her. Hello Pretty!

Me folks around the table are chattering and paying little attention to what they will order. Do they even know what they want?

Jabber.
Natter.
Yadda-yadda.

I summon our beautiful waitress over to my seat and instead of verbally ordering my dinner, I point out what I want and use a little gesturing to emphasize that I'll have it cooked Medium Rare.

Soft and a little red.

I also point out that I'd like a pint of Dos Equis with lime. She gets it and smiles with appreciation that I've made up my mind as to what I will be eating. This little appreciation goes unnoticed by the others at our table but I motion to her to go ahead and poke at my old man. He usually has an immediate idea as to what he wants to eat.

Everyone slowly takes their time to make their orders complete. The waitress continues to grab glimpses of me while I'm just sitting there observing the way people in my family make their orders.

"No Garnish"
"I want this but without that"
"Can you put the mushrooms on the side?"

Picky and time consuming they are!

So there I am checking out the floor, the ceiling, the other customers, and yawning all the while. You see, I've always hated this kind of crap because it is all stupid and lame. I'd rather be at MY house cooking MY steak with MY beer in MY hand. I never did like sitting around asking people what they're talking about every god damned 5 minutes.

People are too absorbed in the mix of it all. Talkative and inattentive at the same time. They've seen me deal with this crap for 32 years and they still want to include me at such gatherings and functions because I'm a part of the family. One would think inclusion goes beyond the invitation itself. Nah, I'm a statue that can twiddle thumbs. Bored out of my mind with the monotony of this familial bullshit.

Yes, I love them.
Yet, I'm damn tired.
Tired of the same old shit.
Different Day.

I NO LIKE!

While we wait, I approach my father with a question:

"Did you order a beer, if so what kind?"

He asks me to repeat what I said and I did.

This time he is interrupted by a question from my aunt and so I wait patiently for them to wrap that interference up. I wait. I wait some more. I wait a good while and they're still talking. Fed up with the waiting, I again ask my old man, "Didja order a beer? What'd ya get?"

He responds requesting that I speak up louder.

I speak louder.

He again asks me to speaker even louder.

I do it a notch louder and with an expression of frustration and distraction, Dad gestures with his hand to speak up LOUDER!

I, having had my patience stretched and my boredom served, rise from my chair and YELL loudly: "Look Dad, all I wanted to know was what you are ordering to drink. BIG FUCKING DEAL, right?!"

After this burst of booming agony, I had all eyes in that building looking at me in disbelief. I look at them with a face of anger and grimace.

"What the hell are you all looking at? EAT, DRINK, AND BE MERRY, MOTHAFUCKAS!"

Dad grabs me by the arm and tells me to sit down because I've spoken TOO LOUD.

Argh!...you just can't win with these selfish and arrogant bastards.

The waitress immediately brings me my beer and says that it's on the house.
NICE!

32 years, yo!
I'm tired.